Some days, I just feel so drained by how much our financial circumstances limit how we live our lives. It's not really love that makes the world go round—it's money. 

I would like to be able to buy a product I see while scrolling peacefully online without having to calculate my bank account balance.

I would like to say "Yes!" immediately instead of "We'll see," whenever my younger siblings ask me to get them this or that.

I would like to get food delivery or dine out as much as I want without worrying if that would hurt my budget.

I would like to help my parents pay off my siblings' tuition fees, not take out a loan.

I would like to invest a huge part of my paycheck because there would still be a lot to go around for all my needs and wants despite it.

I would like to give more to others—donate to charity.

They say life is meant to be enjoyed. It seems that that's only possible if you can actually afford it.
I know I know, I'm being all negative. That by saying this, I'm not really attracting abundance in my life. But you know what? Sometimes, you just gotta let all these bad feelings out. Throw it out of your system, else it would suffocate you. So, let tonight be the night that I will rant about how much I hate being poor! And tomorrow, I will go back to working twice, thrice, nth-ice as hard... just to raise myself  up from the slums of poverty.
To state the obvious, nothing ever goes according to plan. Even the ones as meticulously made by me. I've worked so hard for these past two years... but as usual, I'm always only close to achieving whatever it is I want. Something stops me in the end. First, it was the pandemic. Now, it's just lack of support. 

I'm just floating by these days. I have no motivation to do or be anything. Nothing makes any difference anyway. I can't even bring myself to be excited about other plans because I'm so hung up on my original one. 

What do I do? Sometimes, disappearing from the face of the earth seems like the most comforting idea. Oblivion wouldn't disappoint me like this. It can't hurt me more than I am hurting now. I'm numb—mind, heart, body, and soul.

Do I lack faith? Am I too hell-bent and stubborn that it's becoming impossibly difficult to move on and accept that it's not going to happen now? I feel like a child about to throw a tantrum. I want to be unreasonable, to cry unfair, to lash out at everyone! I want mountains to move for me. 

They say, it must be for the best. That it will make sense. You know what I think? I think that's loads of bullshit! How is it for the best to have my dream taken away from me? How will it ever make sense that all my efforts brought me only to the point of almost successful?

I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about. There are too many I's in this post. But who the fuck cares? It's my blog. I can talk about ME all I want. 

And I'm so angry. Heartbroken. I really, really, really wanted this more than anything. :(

These past few weeks have been hectic. I've had a lot of paperwork to do for my visa application. Usually when I'm busy, I pair that up with a good playlist to keep me upbeat. But I haven't had the chance to listen to too many songs because my mind is viciously preoccupied. My thoughts and worries are too loud in there. 

Despite that though, I've found comfort watching a lot of TWICE music or lyric videos on Youtube whenever I find the time. Lol. Here are my current favorites:

1. Candy

2. Knock Knock
3. Moonlight
4. Likey
5. TT
6. Heart Shaker
7. Yes or Yes

I'm so annoyed at myself for only stanning TWICE recently. So many years were lost. I just love them so much. They're so cute and positive and can make anyone completely happy. Universe, please... let them renew their contract for another decade. 😩

Hello again, Blogosphere. 

A lot has happened since the last time I wrote, which was about three months ago. So, to wrap up: 

  1. We were hit by a super-typhoon last December. I've discovered that when they say "the wind howls," it really isn't just an expression. I had never experienced winds as strong and furious as that night. It was scary and, for the lack of a better word, humbling somehow. It makes you realize how small you are in this world. A single catastrophe can turn your whole life around.
  2. Because of that, we had no water, electricity, or wifi for three weeks! 

  3. Because of that, I had to go to work at the office for the first time since the pandemic started. Let me tell you, it has its pros and cons. Pros, routine—you get a chance to go out again, get ready, drive someplace, etc. Cons, you can't help but eat out—expensive! 

  4. Christmas and New Year were a bit depressing, what with no lights and all. We also couldn't cook too much because where would we refrigerate the leftovers without power? Despite that though, I was still extremely grateful that we were safe and had the means to support ourselves. 

  5. We had a COVID scare a while back but fortunately, it was just flu season. 

  6. KDrama is still the air that I breathe. This is the year I've watched the most. I did promise myself the moment I graduate, I will binge on every single KDrama that I've missed throughout the years. HAHA

    Also, #OTWOL! IS! ON! NETLIX!? It's been seven years since it premiered but I still fall in love with Clark Medina as if it's the first time. Same kilig all over again. *cries in San Francisco tears* 

  7. I received some really good news that's been months in the waiting. More on that soon. All I can say is that I'm veryyy extremely passionately immensely excited!!! 

So many exclamation points today, Allie.

Anyways, I'm looking forward to the next few months. My gut tells me that it's gonna be a good year. Jupiter is in Pisces right now. It's the Year of the Tiger. The universe is in my favor! I always did like the number 22.

Hey, world! So many things happened these past few months that everything normal seems alien to me. It was like a tornado of emotions and events. Looking back at it now actually makes me nauseous. 

Last August, my sister got COVID. After the rest of the family tested negative, we had to move out for a while and stay at my grandma's house. Needless to say, it was many days and nights of paranoia and anxiety. I've only been home for a couple of weeks now and somehow time feels as if it's slipping by fast. How are we halfway through October already? Why does it feel like life just happened and I was asleep the entire time? 

Anyway, I came here to reflect on the things I've been up to. Let's get lost in thought, shall we? 🤔

1. Work, work, work — Honestly, I thought I would have quit my job by now. It was unrewarding, to say the least. But I'd be lying if I said it didn't help me. I don't just mean financially but mentally as well. It has been my greatest escape. Whenever I didn't want to deal with reality (which was almost every single day), I just buried myself in my tasks. I was living life Mondays to Fridays and I honestly didn't mind. It kept me sane. Now that I'm trying to be self-aware again, I feel very grateful for my job. And I want to do my best at it.

2. Certification / Classes — Ah yes, I suddenly just decided to enroll in a 160-hour certification for Technical Drafting. I started my classes last week. It's stressfully amazing. It's giving me a challenge, something that breaks the monotony of my daily life. Initially, I thought it was gonna be AutoCAD and 3D Modelling or whatever. To my dismay, it was literally drafting. Like back to basics, manual drawing. Oh great, I'm a freshman in college again. 🙄 I have three pending assignments now that I've been putting off. I have to get to them somehow (somewhen?). Hmmm. Funny story... so I was sketching this line. And of course, I got it wrong. Instead of reaching for an eraser, my fingers pressed on the paper like a "Ctrl + Z" action. Yep, that's how desperate I am to end this drawing shenanigan. On the bright side, next week we'll begin with computer applications so yay.

3. Homeschooling kids — Every day I facilitate my little brothers' schooling. You can imagine Gab's protests. I don't even know what he has to complain about. I made a schedule (spreadsheet) that gave them the entire morning to do whatever they wanted. But after lunch, they spend 2-3 hours learning their lessons (at least two subjects a day), 1 hour for writing, and 1 hour for reading. Some days, I feel lazy and even give them a Free Day. I'm generous as it is. So, that's that.

4. Freelancing — I've recently been trying to work directly with clients on small projects. I wanted to gain more experience without the restrictions of full-time employment with a company. To be honest, I've discovered that there are ups and downs to both. Freelance pays better and offers more flexibility with who you work for and what type of jobs you take on, yet my 9-5 job does offer security and insurance. Well, my takeaway is that twenty-four hours in a day just isn't enough for the things I've been wanting to do lately.

5. Vaccination — She's finally vaccinated! While I know that the best vaccine is what's available, I do have plans to go abroad so I've been very picky with my vaccine. If you live in the Philippines, you know that Sinovac is the most common brand but not all countries accept this yet. I waited for sooooo many weeks to get one of the big four that Canada accepts. I finally got the Oxford AstraZeneca brand.

6. Books and KDramas — I try to get in a few pages a day. A chapter if my mind can stay focused long enough. Besides that, I've watched seven different KDramas since August. Impressive, if I do say so myself. I'm so sorry Kim Soo-hyun but Moon Embracing the Sun and My Love from the Star have been bumped to 4th and 5th place in my Top 5 KDramas. The leading now is Start Up and Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok-Joo (Nam Joo-hyuk), and Touch Your Heart (Lee Dong-wook).

7. Duolingo — After I broke my 134-day streak a few months ago, I stopped. But I'm at it again. I'm learning Spanish and Korean, of course. It's fun because when I watch my KDramas, I can pick up a few words here and there. Sometimes, I can even make out the sentence structure. Ahhhhh, I believe I can be fluent in both these languages in this lifetime. 🥴

Alright, that's enough babbling for now. Apologies for the typos and the grammatical errors in this post. Lol. I'm just typing as I think. 😝 Okay, time to sleep.